I Must Confess…

There is another woman who has captured my heart!

This is our niece, Kayla. Since the day she was born (literally!) I have been trying to get her to say “Uncle KC is the coolest.” The good news to report: she’s almost there!

Less Intense: A Follow Up

Two weeks ago I wrote a brief little post that simply said “Intense: That is about all I can say right now.” Indeed, that was about all I could say at that point. Not often found for a loss of words when given the platform, the said juncture defied what I claim as normalcy. Since that point in time I believe that I have arrived at this new frame: Less Intense. [As a sidebar: just prior to writing that little post I completed my first exam in which I was given the tiny little task of handwriting the biblical story from creation to new creation (Genesis 1:1 to Revelation 22:21 for you non-biblical theology types ) in 49 minutes or less. You know that feeling that you have just after you vomit anything and everything that your body says is needed or not needed? Well, now you begin to understand.]

I received several e-mails immediately following the aforementioned post (much to my surprise, I might add – who knew people read this thing!) Thus, for those who were concerned let me shed a little light into the time of my life that can most easily be described as “intense.”

Although I took a Jan-term course last month, my “official” entrance into seminary began a little more than four weeks ago. And from the word “go”, it has seemed to be an endless stream of reading, assignments, tests, more reading, planning, arguing, critical-thinking, more reading, and more reading. Just thinking about the sheer volume of the workload has been overwhelming to say the least – and that’s before I even get to work! All said, it has been a difficult time of transition over the past month and I am quite thankful that I can say that the month has now passed! In previous days I would have likely testified that as a result of my procrastination I have brought undue stress upon myself. Oh how I wish this were the case today! Unfortunately, the academic rigors of seminary life are not intended for the faint at heart or the procrastinator. I have really attempted to make wise use of my time and prioritize assignments by devoting more time to those that carry more weight, etc. However, given life’s circumstances this is simply not good enough and that causes my perfectionist personality to quiver. Yes, perfectionist AND a procrastinator – a lethal combination.

So, how do I get from “Intense” to “Less Intense?” Perspective. True, I have found some sort of a groove in which to glide, but the groove itself is more like a cheese grater, so it is not exactly comfortable. Thus, the Lord has been kind a gracious to me to bring back to mind that I must maintain perspective in my life. I can not put my marriage on hold for the next three to four years (or more should a PhD be in the future). I can not neglect all other forms of relationships outside of those whom I come into contact with in the library. I still need to eat – even though one class assignment included a 48-hour fast. I still need to exercise and maintain my physical health – which again, a class assignment will require me to run 5k (can you believe this!). All said, our Father has caused me to understand that if I am too busy “preparing for ministry” to the point that I have no ministry – particularly in the life of my wife – then I have missed the point altogether.

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me at a point where I have decided that I need to be content with something less than straight A’s. God has called me to ministry and I have an obligation to be a good steward of all that he sets before me. Therefore, A’s may not be what is best for my life. My perfectionism does not like this – in fact, it’s killing me – but it is not a matter of opinion, it is a matter of necessity. I need to understand that I have limitations and time constraints that will mean that I may not be able to read everything or put forth the amount of work required for the best grades. Does this mean that I am not taking seriously my call to ministry and thus a call to prepare? No. But what it does mean is that I am attempting to have a holistic view of life which does not relegate my educational aspect of my calling to its own dimension. My wife must be a part of my education which must be a part of my work which must be a part of me paying bills and mowing the lawn. In other words, life is that – life. It is all interconnected and therefore I would do well to merge all of its parts into one amalgam so that neither part is neglected or malnourished.

Life is still intense, but that little “less” makes it seem all the more worthwhile.

Intense

That is about all I can say right now.

The Day the Real She Really Said “Yes”

The day began like most other days back then. I rose early Saturday morning to the sound of, well – nothing. My two roommates were fast asleep in the comfort of their warm sleeping confines; it was too early and too cold for anyone to be consumed with yard work, and I found myself greeted with the warm sunshine coming through my front window. It was a little before 7:00 and I was aware that the warmth of the sunshine was only a guise, for it was likely no more than 40 degrees on the other side of that January window.

I delighted to wake early on the weekends, enjoy my cup (rather, cups) of java, spend time in the word, and simply enjoy the day even before it began. Somehow, life seems to make much more sense in the calm of the morning. Time seems slower, worries are a little more distant, and the freshness that welcomes us reminds us that His mercies are truly new every morning. When Kimberly and I were dating, we enjoyed capitalizing every waking moment of the day together. Therefore, early Saturday mornings, instead of me finding my way to the solitary comfort of my couch, we would rendezvous at a coffee shop, spend the morning reading together and enjoying the brew that was set before us.

This particular Saturday was no different and our agenda was set. When I arrived at our beloved O’Henry’s, I found Kimberly well engrossed in conversation with two older gentleman sitting at the table next to her. We exchanged pleasantries and then Kimberly and I retreated to another table with a little more room. With so much of the day set before us, I secretly wished that time would stand still. If for a moment, we could be lost in the essence of the succession of moments in order to laugh, converse, and live life together. It was always a thrill to run into older, wiser pilgrims who had traveled the path set before us. We would often glean a kernel of insight of experience through these encounters. This day proved to be the same, as the gentleman Kimberly and I were speaking with approached our table once again. The man the informed us of his son’s recent divorce that came as a a result of both husband and wife not focusing on the cross and seeking to honor the Lord in and above all things. I could sense the heartache that he had for his children, and by way of warning, this brother was telling these two kids to watch out, be on guard, and serve the Lord with all our hearts. It was indeed a prophetic moment. At least it was for me, Kimberly merely considered it to be an interesting interaction.

About 12:30 I spontaneously declared that we needed to leave. This was quite uncommon for me since I would likely find no qualm with wasting the entire day in our favorite coffee house, but this time, I had to go. When Kimberly asked what was the matter, I literally replied “I have to go!” Let me make sure you understand, I had “to go,” or so I told Kimberly. When confused as to why the current facilities were not worthy of my presence, I replied that this was an even number event and I needed more time to divide. (As a sidebar: our minds work in strange ways when we have an ulterior motive!) While driving down the road, I decided to call my friend Brian, who was to lead a devotion for 5th and 6th graders that morning, to “see how it went.” I was shocked to hear, “the eagle has landed, but the roommate is still home!” Oh what dreaded horror to my ears!! This eagle was now desperately endangered, quick, what do I do? “Turn here! Turn here! Turn here!” I exclaimed to Kimberly at the helm of her Honda. “I need to get some pink stuff.”

After purchasing a loaf of bread and the motherload of ice-cream I was able to create a diversion that lasted nearly twenty minutes. Pink stuff? Suddenly I was feeling better and thankfully, Kimberly was none the wiser. We meandered through the winding streets that led from that fateful Western Supermarket to her house with goods in tow. We pulled into the driveway and although I should have leaped out of the car with great joy for my eyes had seen the throne, I was calm and still. The next few moments were going to change the rest of my life forever. There are times when the providential events of our lives come to an incredible meeting place and after their crossing we are refused the chance to go back to normal. I am thankful for these crossroads and thankful of what awaited the other side of this street.

Kimberly stepped out of the car to find a mysterious plant figure growing out of her brick porch. She said “Did you put those there?” For the first time in the morning, I was to make one of the most honest statements that had come from my lips, “No, I did not put those there.” Indeed, this was the eagle which was to land thanks to our good friends Brian and Heather. The roommate had flown the coop as well and we found ourselves again in the stillness of the early afternoon. As she approached the vase to investigate the flowers she looked for the note to see who it came from (as though it really was not from me). Inside the note, Kimberly found a few little words that she had never heard me say, and apparently she did not have to audibly hear with her ears, for she knew exactly what it meant. The note simply read:

“I love you.”

I made it a point that I would not tell her all that was within my heart until this day finally dawned. “I really love being with you” was about as close as she or I ever came. After reading the note, she slowly turned back to me, not seeking an explanation, but in full knowledge of what was about to come. As I fell to one knee, I said, “I love you” and began to attempt to explain why. It has been three years since that day and I have still yet to come to an ability to express this truth. I gave her three things that Saturday afternoon: a Bible which all of our life and marriage is to be yielded in submission to, a ring to symbolize the eternal union of our bond together, and my name. I had given others a Bible and jewelry, but I had never given anyone else my name. I am still in awe that the woman I wake up to has the same name as me! I’m not sure why this amazes me the way in which is does, but in a way, it is a small reflection of the act of Christ. We have been called forth by His name (Acts 15:17), saved by His name (Acts 4:12), will bow at His name (Phil 2:10), and He has given us the name “Christians” because we are to be “Christ like ones” (Acts 11:26) and I desire to have her identified with my name with all the joy, privileges, and responsibilities that it brings.

January 15th, 2005 my life changed forever. It was 1:15 on 1/15 that the real she said “Yes.”

Kimberly, the Lord has granted more joy through you than in any other earthly relationship that I have ever formed. God is indeed a God of grace as your life is a testimony to such a profound truth. You love me with a love that is not human but divine. One that is not created, but inspired. I look to the future with a wondrous anticipation of what the Lord has in store for us. The “what” is not so much of my interest knowing that the “who” is you. When I proposed to you, I assured you that I would fail you, disappoint you, and cause you hurt and anguish. Unfortunately, this has proved true, but we are again reminded to fix our gaze on the one will never fail, disappoint, leave, nor forsake. We are to look to the Rock that is higher than I (Ps 61:2) to see His great deliverance, His great grace, and His great mercy which is indeed new every morning. Great is his faithfulness towards the children of man. I am abundantly thankful that in His great providence He has seen fit to grant me what I do not deserve. I prayed for you before I even knew your name and, thankfully, the Lord was pleased to give you my name instead.

I love you.

Happy 3-year Proposalversary.

**If you are confused as to the real she and the not-so-real she, click here

Welcome to the UK!

I have decided that there are two things in this life that I absolutely love: sleep and coffee. Unfortunately, it does not square that you should have one with the other for it typically occurs that you have one without the other (or because you do not have one you have one you get the other). At this moment, I would prefer either and I am without both.

Traveling to London Friday evening, I did not sleep at all. Upon arrival, three hours after getting through customs, searching for lost baggage, and my first game of Crazy 8’s, I was privileged to eek out roughly 45 minutes of quality nap time. About 9:00pm I was able to return to sleep and granted approximately three more hours. After that, however, there has come no rest for this weary traveler. Thus, I have spent the last six hours here in the hotel lobby as to not wake my roommate and be presented with the opportunity to study. Good times, I must say, although disturbing that the hotel staff has rendered me homeless.

God was gracious to provide two flights over that were coupled with great conversation and true fellowship. On a walkabout He again supplied the opportunity to converse with a Muslim man and a Jehovah’s Witness concerning the condition of their souls. I trust that the Lord might be merciful to water any truth that I may have planted and erase any error that I may have caused.

Hopefully my baggage will arrive today and I will be comforted with a change for these now three day old garments. Also, it will come as a security knowing that twenty packages of McCormick’s Mild Taco Seasoning have not come to desecration. Some things in life are more important than others. At this moment, I think my vote goes for coffee.

It is Finished

Biblical scholars beware: this is not an attempt to make Scripture match my means, but the phrase is applicable nonetheless:

It is finished.

I have anticipated this day for the past ten years and I had an idea of the range of emotions that I would feel. However, as in many things in life, I am not really sure if I have lived up to any of those expectations. In fact I am a bit surprised by what has really captured my attention. As you can read in my testimony, in 1998 I was a part of the graduating class of Dover High School in Dover, DE and promptly whisked from Senior to Freshman again at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. And seemingly just as quickly as I entered the ranks of aspiring scholastics everywhere I exited without fanfare and without a degree. Today, however, I am given grace to say “it is finished.”

After a lengthy evening that merged with the morning that has yet to see an end, I entered my Church History classroom of Southeastern Bible College in order to make this part of the church, history. From Christ to Chalcedon was the subject of the exam and I believe I performed decently. This day marks a turning point in my educational career as finally it can be declared that my bachelor’s degree “is finished.” True, there are a few more steps to go, but this milestone is finished. Summa Cum Laude? Magna? How about “thank the.”

I thought that this day would bring about loud shouts of joy coupled with a hearty “hip, hip, hooray!” So far that has not been the case. Strange as it may be, I am quite humbled as I think of the grace that the Lord has provided to me in order for this day to come about. His grace was evident as He called me out of darkness and into light granting me the grace of repentance and a hope for a future. His grace was evident as He sovereignly orchestrated events in such a way that it was abundantly clear that the path of education was where I was to go. He gracefully opened doors, He gracefully closed doors, and He gracefully shed light little by little all along the way. If He had revealed it all at once, I would not have been able to take the full dose and my fears likely would have overwhelmed me. But He is gracious; He knows what He is doing. He provided, He provided, and He provided again. If this provision were contingent upon my obedience, my goodness, my faithfulness, my consistency, or my deservedness it would never have come to pass. I have failed in so many ways and at so many times and against so many people that this could not possibly be the reason. The only justifiable answer that will suffice is that in His infinite wisdom and according to His sovereign good pleasure He has deemed it good that this grace should fall to me.

“Shout for joy to God, all the earth; sing the glory of his name; give to him glorious praise! Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds! So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you.” (Psalm 66:1-2)

This day has given me great reason for reflection and no matter which way I look at it, I must acknowledge that God deserves all credit and glory. That He would even let me learn the tiniest truth (for all truth is God’s truth) is an act of His grace. I was once an enemy of the cross and I was once alienated and hostile in mind doing evil deeds (Col 1:21). I am still at times hostile in mind and doing evil deeds, but His power subdues my will and bends it to His own despite my continual rebellion. For reasons only known to Him, He has graciously chosen to redeem me from destruction.

”Come and see what God has done: he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.” (Psalm 66:5)

There are so many individuals and organizations that have contributed to the progression towards this day. Administrations, professors, friends, mentors, classmates, and the countless individuals who I will never recall their names but somehow in some way have made an impact on me for good. God is indeed sovereign.

However, as important as all these are, aside from the Triune God, there is only one who is worthy of mentioning by name – my wife Kimberly. No one has sacrificed as much as she has in order to see this day arrive. No one has endured more heartache, suffered the burden of financial stress, emotional anguish, and the fires of sanctification than she. I can not rightfully even include myself in this category. She has labored through sleepless nights which lead to irritability and distance on my part. She has had to endure through times of seeming separation as I was studying and preparing assignments. She has had to bear the brunt of my poor choices when I have wrongfully chosen to study rather than sit with her. And above all these, she comes in direct contact with my own sinfulness on a daily basis as she sees the unseen of who I really am. And by God’s grace, she still chooses to love me and is willing to come up under me and support the mission to which she believes that we have been called.

Kimberly, you are a trophy of His grace and I am abundantly undeserving of His provision. There is not a day that passes that I do not thank God for you multiple times, and to my shame, I do not make this clear to you. You have given so much of yourself and I trust that the Lord will reward you for such. You are “far more precious than jewels” and there is no other who I desire to make proud. The praises of men are fleeting, but the praises of a wife will last forever. I want to make you proud. “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”

I love you. This day is rightly more yours than it is mine. So together we say, “It is finished.”

The Call That Never Comes

Today is a day like no other. Correction, today is a day that is unique unto itself compared with the previous 364 days in the year, but last year on this day, it was relatively the same as it has become this year. Today, October 31st is a day marked by significance. Today is Reformation day, true. Today is Halloween, also true. Today also marks the day that caused a minor reformation (at least in my own household) when at 8:45am on the maternity ward of Memorial Medical Center in Springfield, IL I came bursting forth into glorious day to let the world know that I have finally arrived. That was twenty-eight years ago today. Sixty-six years ago today an event of similar proportions occurred in a small town in Missouri when Kenneth Leroy Armstrong was born. I am Kenneth C, my father is Kenneth L and therein lies the problem.

It was always a special occasion in my young life knowing that there was one thing in this world that I shared with my father that no one else could. Others could have the same hair or eye color, his physical build, and his sense of humor (dry wit as it may be – OK, I got that one too). Others could share in his activities, his hobbies and interests, his business, his time, his affections, and even his home, but no one else could share his birthday. That is where I became uniquely special all too myself. This was not uniqueness in the sense of selfishness, but simply a uniqueness that allowed him and me to have something that no else could completely understand.

My family has an odd unspoken tradition that has been around for as long as I can remember. Every year each member of the family will call the birthday celebrant and sing – yes sing – “Happy Birthday” to them. Even if we get an answering machine, we still sing and make merry for the other. My wife thinks this rather odd; I am actually quite fond of the custom. And so, each year would pass with the multiple phone calls and multiple birthday celebrations being sung to my tune. However, there was always one call that was different and somehow a little more special than all the rest. Not that the others were not unique and valuable, but this one call was set apart because not only was I sung to, I also had the opportunity to sing. My father would call (or I him – whoever won the race) and the originator would sing first followed by the recipient. He was the only one in the world that would sing to me and then I him for the very same reason – we simply shared the same birthday.

I received my last birthday call from him on my eighteenth birthday, October 31st, 1997. He died eighteen days later at the age of fifty-six. It was not until I celebrated my birthday in 1998 that I really realized how special this call was, for it was this year that the call did not come. And since that time my birthday has never been the same. I can not think about it without thinking about him. I can not remember birthdays past without replaying the various phone calls and the dual singing. And now I think of the call that never comes. My mother will call, my sister, my brother, all singing “Happy Birthday” in the best off-key that they can since no one really sings the tune correctly. Other friends will call with well wishes and I appreciate each of these calls. But I desire earnestly the call that never comes. To have him know my wonderful wife and the joy that she brings me. To have him know his future grandchildren should the Lord choose to bring such a blessing into our lives. To have him sing to me. This day is like the days that have passed over the last ten years. I continue to wait for the call that never comes.

However, (and this is good news!) there is a call that has come and will continue to come for all time. This was the call of Christ bidding me come to Him for salvation. It was the call of the One who gives the dead life. Not to the dying, but the dead. He sent forth His word to break down the door of my heart and He called me to His side for all eternity. I wait for a call that will never come, but I wait with hope, knowing that “the LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing” (Zeph 3:17). And that is all the “Happy Birthday” singing I need.